What I’ve Come to Expect

I’ve known pretty confidently that I was transgender for at least six years, and the past four of them have been in the military. I’ve had a lot of time to sit back and evaluate the outlooks of many of my coworkers when it comes to LGBTQ issues, and the prospect of transitioning in this environment is more than a little spooky. Though, while some may be fiercely opinionated and stubborn, I feel that many are just poorly educated on these subjects. Only two of my coworkers know, as of now, and they’ve both been very accepting, thankfully. I think things change when someone close to you announces something like this. You usually care about that person, and regardless of your experience on the matter, it’s something you have to accept in some aspect. I think being one of the few who are actively seeking transition in the military will be a good eye opener for the average rank and file. Let’s just hope things go as well in reality as I’ve hoped they will.

In the meantime, there are some things that all of us are going to have to deal with. One of the most frustrating questions I’ve been receiving recently is why I’m not growing a deployment mustache. I made the “mistake” of growing a rather majestic one a few years back for the time-honored tradition of Mustache March. This has left everyone with unreasonable expectations for me here, but they don’t know I’ve had quite a few sessions of laser hair removal on my face since then. No, the hair isn’t completely gone, so I intend to invest in electrolysis when I return to the states. Problem is, I can’t tell them I’ve had laser without pretty much coming out, and I’m not ready for that yet. I’d like to get as far along as I can before dropping the trans bomb on my coworkers. I’m very focused on how I’m going to handle it when it does happen, but more on that later. So basically, I have to keep coming up with excuses for the lack of mustache, and it’s getting pretty annoying having to deal with all this unwanted facial hair attention. I guess this is what those obnoxious as hell Tumblr posters call #Triggered. It’s just dysphoria to me.

On the topic of people pushing me to do things, I’ve received a pretty considerable amount of fun poked at me for my small muscle size. I’m 5’10” and I weigh 128 lbs, which leaves me extremely thin. I don’t mind this at all, as it gives me a more feminine frame, but in an environment filled with people taking T-boosters, protein, and all manner of supplements in an effort to “get big” or “swole”, I stick out like a sore thumb. It’s not that I don’t work out, I just have different priorities than they do, and apparently that’s not acceptable. I’m sure many of you can relate to this at some point in your transition, particularly those also serving in the military. There are fitness standards to maintain, but there’s no reason for us to be a body builder if we don’t want to. If you’re curious what I do to stay thin, I have to admit that my metabolism does all the heavy lifting. I do, however, run pretty regularly here in between sicknesses. Being in close proximity to literally everyone is really giving my immune system a run for its money. I try to work out my legs as much as I can, as honestly they’re one of my best features. Occasional crunches and pushups are required to keep my fitness up to spec, but I try not to overdo it. Personally, I’m not really into girls with bigger muscles than me. That’s just not my thing, and maybe a little weird.

You know what else is weird? Being transgender. Absolutely degenerate, right? The amount of things I’ve heard from people about how women are inferior, how “trannys” are still just men regardless of how they look or what they have downstairs, and just how disgusted they are when it comes to “chicks with dicks” is pretty frustrating. I have no choice but to sit back, play along, come up with excuses, and hope they don’t actually mean anything. If they do, I’m gonna have a really troublesome life here in the next few months.

Val, signing off~

“Let me explain
This ugliness, this cruelty, this repulsiveness
It will all die out
And now, I cry for all that is beautiful” – “Fellow Feeling” by Porter Robinson

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