Until now, this entire transition has been theoretical and lacking resolute commitment. Sure, I’ve invested time and money into hair removal, but that could easily be written off as an intense aversion to facial hair. Alas, I can officially say that I have taken a step that marks the official start of the rest of my life.
I went to a military psychiatrist yesterday, after having sent out an email some time ago intending to make some sort of progress in my life. The wait was agonizing, and harder still was thinking of what to say. You can rehearse a conversation as many times as you want in your head, but when the time comes it’s an entirely different challenge. Thankfully, I knew beforehand that she has some experience with transgender service members, so that eased the nerves a bit. Could you imagine talking to someone who has only read about this stuff in journals and articles? Terrifying.
We discussed a great deal of things, and I ended up understanding myself a lot better in the process. I couldn’t remember much in the way of being uncomfortable as a male before middle school, which almost bothered me. Everyone who transitions seems to have some sort of history way back into childhood, but I couldn’t narrow anything down. Maybe my parents will have some examples, once I finally tell them. We talked about what my goals are surgery-wise, and what my chosen name is. It was almost like giving a briefing on my history, current status, and future “operations”. I’ll save you the sensitive details, since I’d have to kill you if I told you! We mutually agreed that some of my next steps forward, in lieu of hormone treatment that is unavailable to me at this time, would be to come out to more close friends and coworkers. She also wants me to endeavour to start not only using the correct pronouns and name for myself, but to really get into the mindset that I am now entirely a female in a male body. I have always felt like Val is just a girl that has been locked away, and not a legitimate part of me. Hiding her away, trying to be a man and not a degenerate. After being shunned for so long, it’s time to let her take over and to truly commit to this change that has been hindered for many years. I can do this!
“The more I get to know the less I find that I understand” – “The Start of Something Beautiful” by Porcupine Tree