Take the Leap

If you had told me that I’d be spilling my guts to a therapist more than once while dealing with the stress of a deployment, I wouldn’t have believed you. I never even considered a thing like this to be a possibility in the middle of fighting a war, but here I am. I had my third, and as far as I could tell, final mental health appointment for this deployment mere hours ago. I keep talking about “getting the ball rolling”, and let’s just say that it’s rolling far faster and smoother than I could have ever imagined.

This was the first appointment with a new provider, as my previous one returned home at the end of her deployment cycle last month. Needless to say, I was a little nervous about talking to someone else about my issues in such depth, but I went in at least expecting to recount the past decade of my life. He had just recently discussed my case with the team the military put together to confirm transitions and get the support gathered to make it as smooth and painless as possible. All that was required was a reconfirmed diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria, and then I’d be set to begin my transition upon returning home to the US. We went on to discuss everything from the beginning, once again, but it felt even more specific this time. He was curious about my adoration of the female body, after having stressed repeatedly how much masculine traits disgust me. I’ve never been required to put it into words before, and it was a bit refreshing talking about it, almost like fangirling over your favorite band or movie star. We went down a list of typical/expected qualities of someone with Gender Dysphoria, and I hit almost every one on the head. Sure, I know what they’re looking for, but I tried to keep as honest and true to myself as possible, and it ended up being exactly what they wanted to hear. So, after a pretty considerable discussion, he confirmed for the second time a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria. This is it, ladies and gentlemen. It’s not a fluke; it’s not a phase; it’s not a fetish. I knew all of these to be true, but sometimes you doubt yourself. We are all our own worst critic, and it applies in situations such as these just as much as it does with creative ambitions and self esteem.

Moving forward, I was also given some great news. The psych said he had a previous patient that was going through the process as well, and they offered to pay for not only Sex Reassignment Surgery, but also Facial Feminization Surgery, which is a huge deal to me. I had expected to pay out of pocket for these surgeries, and also didn’t expect to have much say over which surgeons I would be able to see, but it seems that I can make a lot of decisions myself. If all goes well, I can get everything done by skilled doctors and without putting myself into further debt. Hopefully, this process wont be too difficult, and I’m at least a year away from that point, anyway. In the meantime, I should be set to start hormones almost immediately when I return home, which is what I’m really longing for at this point. The longer I have to wait, the less changes I’ll see, so I don’t want to go any longer without them. Time flies, and aging is starting to feel more real every year that passes by.

As for the rest of my life, I’m still just rolling with the punches and counting the days. Started playing Tales of Berseria a few days ago, and I’m really enjoying it. The main character is so edgy and beautiful that I might be in love with her already. The combat is pretty unique, at least when it comes to what I usually play, so it’s taking a bit of getting used to. All of the characters seem likable and the art is stunning. Scenery porn galore! I’ve been trying to get FFXIV to update, but that’s been giving me issues with the awful internet over here. It doesn’t seem to want to save any download progress if the internet disconnects, and restarting a 30 GB download all the time just isn’t gonna cut it. Guess I’ll need to wait until I get home. One more thing to add to THAT list. Just a few dozen more days and I’ll be starting the physical portion of my transition in earnest. Let’s do this!

“Running to another day, I wanna break away and take the leap
As you’re stuck on yesterday, no sun to rise would be okay with me
Every day, every day is okay” – “drop pop candy (English Cover)” by Kuraiinu + JubyPhonic

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